Life's moments of tragedies and triumphs
Good afternoon to all!
I’m going to try something a bit different this time. Some of my entries I’m hoping to be able to put into audio format so here’s my first attempt. I hope this works.
In case it didn’t work, happy thanksgiving to all who celebrate!
XOXO
Lily
Hello to all who are reading.
I can’t believe we are already into November, this years seems to have flown by and I’m alright with that. I’d really like to reboot 2016 and start over again as this year has royally sucked for many reasons. From the death of one of the most awesome actors Alan Rickman to Trump getting elected for president…don’t judge me for that one, it’s only an oppinion…to other people dieing, to getting into a relationship and then said relationship ending, no I don’t wish to talk about it…losing my job, ok so I quit my job but it turns out I was going to end up having to leave it anyway…and spending an evening just recently in the ER, yeah…that was fun! Accept not! I’m ready for 2016 to end and to ring in 2017. I know it’s a bit early to be talking about the new year but i can’t help it, someone stop the world, I want to get off, i don’t like this ride anymore, it isn’t fun. Now for the positive, I’m alive and breathing, I have my apartment, I have two cats that love me unconditionally, I have awesome friends and friends who have turned into family, my family, food on my table, clothes on my back, music, my gift of song even though I don’t think I am that good but others disagree and many other things i’m sure i could mention. My positives I’m very thankful for.
So, nothing has come about with the job hunt yet although I haven’t given up. I did put in an application to Kato Cab but I found out that they will not hire me because they are looking for dispatchers that can act as backup drivers, so this rules me out as I can’t drive due to total blindness. I think that is a load of bullshite, I know it’s discrimination but i’m not one who will scream that although I feel like it. It angers me because that wasn’t in the job discription or on the application, if it had been I would have never have wasted my time applying for the job. I will not allow this to discourage me though, I’m still determined to work. I am bound to find something eventually.
My O&M lessons are going well. I started working up on campus to become acclimated so I can go to school, I still wish to do this too. I’m still going to major in accounting and minor in business, that ambition has not changed.
All in all, I’m doing alright. While some days are harder than others, I know that I’ll survive and overcome everything that comes my way, I can and will persevere.
Untill next time which i will try to make soon…
XOXO
Oh! I almost forgot, I did create another journal for fanfiction. If you are interested you can read my writings of Harry Potter fanfic. I will let you all know when that’s up so watch this space for that address.
Lily
Someone once wrote, “To be alone I feel it necessary to escape the present.” This is how I’m feeling and have felt for two weeks now. I’ve got to tell you it royally sucks, this feeling. I don’t wish to escape to the past either as that just makes me miserable also. I wish I could be anyone but me right now. Ok, maybe not anyone but I just don’t wish to be me at the moment.
I know I’m not a man but the lyrics here are how I’m feeling at this current moment.
Five For Fighting sing this, not me…
I do not own the lyrics, vocals or music…
Superman
By: Five For Fighting
I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me
I’m more than a bird
I’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see
It may sound absurd but don’t be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed but won’t you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me
Up, up and away, away from me
It’s all right
You can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy, or anything
I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees
I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
It’s not easy to be me.
Lily
Misery. At the moment, this is all I can feel. Knowing that I have hurt someone that I once cared about so deeply. I keep telling myself that this was not my fault but in some ways I can’t help but to believe that yes, it is indeed my fault. I keep going through the if onlies and if I had just let things go. I know that i couldn’t have given the state of my mental being right now.
I have been thinking very hard and carefully about my next course of action and knowing that it is going to lead me to more hurt, not only me but the other person involved just kills me inside. It is time i let Clint go. I do still love him but the love isn’t what it once was. I had hoped that we could have fixed things after I dealt with my issue but with things I have seen written on social media I now know that it is not to be. From what I have seen it is like he is admitting to no wrong, he isn’t taking responsibility for his own actions that lead us to this point. It saddens me actually. I do take responsibility for the part I have played so why can’t he do the same? I should have told him the day he asked me if there were things wrong and I did tell him no. My reasoning for this was I thought I had it all under control, that i could handle things on my own and I realized this wasn’t the case, but the lack of sleep and the thoughts that I couldn’t make go away finally caught up with me and I did tell him everything. He claims that I haven’t explained things to him, which I did but for whatever reason he is still saying he is confused. I’m not sure what else to do. In ways I wish things could go back to how they were when we first got together but they can’t, not anymore. If only I had told him that day he asked and if only he hadn’t written what he did on twitter and facebook…I can’t dwell on what could be and the if onlies, if he hadn’t broken my trust…ugh! I have to stop this! I wanted everything to stay the same… but feelings fade and people change.
Am I running? No, I don’t feel that I am, not really anyway. I think there will always be unanswered questions in my mind but i have to face them and deal with them.
The broken fairy,
Lily
Greetings readers.
I hope this cool October morning finds you all well.
I have bene doing alright but not as well as I could be. I have been thinking a lot as of late and usually that leads me to trouble, however this time it has lead me to a huge decision. I won’t right about that just yet as I need to speak with the person involved first.
Yay for October and Autumn! This is one of my favorite times of the year, why? It’s Samhain or Halloween for you who don’t celebrate Samhain. I love this time of year! Autumn has always been one of my favorite seasons aside from Spring which is my other.
Reasons why I love Autumn…
1. The return of pumpkin spiced food and drink.
2. The crisp cool mornings and nights.
3. The smells of fall.
4. The return of football season.
5. Hoodies.
6. Halloween/Samhain
7. Cool evenings with hot chocolate or tea.
8. The return of honey crisp apples, my favorite apple.
9. The changing leaves even though I can’t see them anymore, but I can picture the beautiful colors.
10. The end of the heat and humidity that always accompanies summer.
Those are some of my many reasons I love this time of year.
They are already starting to show Xmas comercials on TV, it’s driving me nuts! Seriously? It is only the fourth of October and yet they are showing this stuff. I’ve even seen advertisements for Xmas movies on some of the cable channels I watch. It’s madness! It’s way too early for this, I don’t understand why they have to start Xmas advertisements so soon. Let us at least get through the month of October and then start showing this stuff. To me, this is insanity!
With all of the negativity in the world today and all of the negative energy in the universe I thought this might help some get through it. I got this particular spell from @krystal_raven on twitter. I tried it and it works well. If you are like me and can’t stand it to be quiet you can always use some meditative music on low like I did and it still works just as well, keep the music low though or it could be a distraction. That isn’t to say that I hate the quiet all of the time because there are just times I need complete silence but not for very long or it starts to drive me insane. Try it just before sleep and with your mind at ease, sleep my come easier than it once did.
Mental Health Refresh Spell
white candle
yellow candle
orange candle
quiet space/ personal time
Light white candle and say,
“I light this candle to renew my spirit.”
Light the yellow candle and place it to the left of the white candle, say:
“This flame fuels my motivation.”
Light the orange candle and place it to the right of the white candle. Say,
“My mind is healthy and strong.”
As you light each candle visualize any negativity you’ve been feeling fading away. Breathe deeply. When ready, blow out the candles.
Believe me, this does work.
Well, there is an HP fanfic calling my name, no not one I’m reading but one I’m writing. I figure since i have so much extra time on my hands at present I might as well start writing again. I’m writing a fanfic called The Changing Of A Potion’s Master. I have seven chapters done and am working on the eighth one. I have like six or seven other fics in progress as well. One at a time though, one at a time.
I think for lunch today I’ll try a grilled cheese stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut. I keep seeing it advertised on TV so why not, it will give me a few meals till I can go grocery shopping.
So until next time…
XOXO
Lily
For the past two days I’ve felt like total and utter crap.
Friday night I had to deal some truths to the person that I love. He does realize that he fucked up but it doesn’t make this any easier for me. I hate to hurt others, it makes me feel completely horrible. Does this fall under the “sometimes you’ve got to be cruel to be kind” catagory? I didn’t really want to do it but it was starting to feel weird. I know I threw a lot at him and it was a bit overwhelming, I thought I’d feel better after but I felt worse than I did before I spoke with him. Now I don’t even know what my status is with him because I suggested a break which he didn’t want but by a tweet I saw of his it appears as if we have broken up totally. I don’t know, why do things have to be so complicated?
I suppose I should really start at the beginning huh?
I started dating Clint on May 14 of this year, 2016. Things at first were so great. He was awesome and had a great since of humor. Things were going well and i was genuinely happy, then things started to change. He began to see his friends less and less in fear that I’d feele ignored if he were to hang with them. His temper was beginning to scare my friends and they began fearing that one day he’d turn his anger against me and that things could/would become violent. I never saw him as a violent person so that didn’t worry me really. I did worry that he’d end up with a stroke or heart attack one day due to him getting so angry over little things. It was to the point where if I were on skype or teamtalk with him, my friends would say they didn’t wish to join the calls. The third thing is way too personal and I’m not going into that one here. suffice it to say, it was bad enough to almost trigger my PTSD. I haven’t been able to let it go since that night. I am having to sleep with the lights on in my apartment at night, it’s not just one light but all the lights in the house. Any little noise i hear and I’m freaking out. My sleep at night has been horrible. Sometimes I’ll wake up and it will feel like someone is staring at me and it’s not one of the cats either. The thing is before that night happened I was already having flashbacks for some reason so that just made them worse. I am working on this with my therapist and she’s having me start from the beginning and remember and talk about everything from my past. I don’t want to remember, it’s too painful. I hate reliving what happened, my loss of innocence…I don’t want to do this. She says that it will or should in theory help me to move on again. Until then, I can’t be with him, not physically or in any other way either. Right now as I sit here writing this I’m feeling physically ill, I’m nauseous. I still love him but sometimes love isnt’ enough and right now this is one of those times. I am told that what he did was a violation of my person, they said I was partially raped, gods I hate that word. That’s not how I saw it, I’m not sure how I saw it but apparently it was bad enough to frighten me. I hate living in fear. I really do feel sick, I hate this. Why did you have to do what you did knowing what I was feeling and going through? I asked you during our conversation but you still didn’t give me a clear answer or an answer at all that I can remember. I trusted you! I fucking trusted you and you…why? Just why?
Maybe others are right, maybe i am too broken for a relationship.
And to the persons who did this too me when I was a child, you are all sick bastards! I was fine! I was fine till you popped bakc into my head, get out! Just get out! I want to be normal, I want to have a noral life. I dont’ want this depression and PTSD. God damnit! No means no! If a guy or girl says no, they mean no! Why must you continue to violate them?
I cant’ do this anymore, tears, the fucking tears, I hate crying!
These lyrics are not mine, they are the property of Ben Moody, Amy Lee, David Hodges, and William Gray. I just use them to describe how I feel at the current moment.
Tourniquet
BY: Evanescence
I tried to kill the pain
But only brought more
(So much more)
I lay dying
And I’m pouring, crimson regret, and betrayal
I’m dying
Praying
Bleeding
Screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?
My God! My tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God! My tourniquet
Return to me salvation
Do you remember me?
Lost for so long
Will you be on the other side?
Will you forget me?
I’m dying
Praying
Bleeding
Screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?
My God! My tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God! My tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God! My tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God! My tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cries, for deliverance
Will I be denied?
Christ! Tourniquet! My suicide
No, I don’t wish to die, I’m not suicidal for those who read that and think I may be.
That’s all for now.
The broken but still fighting,
Lily
Greetings to all.
So, my weekend was spent at Pow wow, it was fun and made me think a lot. While fun it made me think because of the reason pow wow is held each year.
For those who don’t know the history of Mankato Minnesota regarding the Dekota people, on December 26 at 10:00 AM 38 of the Dekota leaders were hanged in the largest US government ordered mass-exicution in Mankato MN, actually the history of the United States for their war crimes. Basically one of the reason’s pow wow is held is to bring both natives and whites alike together for reconciliation and so that the Dekota people can begin or continue to heal from the things that were done to their people. Things that never should have bene done. I’m not saying what they did was right either but we, meaning our people did horrible things to them. I won’t go into all of the details as I’m going to be posting links you can go to if interested. Every year an annual pow wow is held to honor those that were exicuted. Lots of food, music and dancing along with many booths with things that one can purchase can be found there. They have jewelry, furs, native american flutes, different herbs, pottery, native american music CDs and all sorts of other things are at these booths.
When I’m there, I get feelings that I can’t even begin to describe. When I hear the drums and the singing I get chills all over and I’m held captive by it all. It’s almost like I belong there, I’m supposed to be there. I can’t explain it. I’m not sure if it’s because of my empathic abilities that I can feel what they are going through or what…it’s just something I can’t put into words so I’m not going to try anymore.
I did buy a few things while there. I got a t-shirt and on the front it has an eagle and it says something in the dekota language and on the back it has the names of the 38 that were hanged and the shirt is black. I also got a hoodie that is gray and it’s the exact same as my t-shirt. I needed a hoodie as I don’t have enough of them, really I don’t and I love hoodies. I met a man there who was running the native american flute booth and when I got there he was actually making a flute and then began to play it after he was done crafting it. He was amazing! I’d have bought a flute but I didn’t have the funds, they run anywhere from $100-300 dollars. I did get his information and when I do have the extra funds I will order one from him, he also told me that if I was interested in lessons after pow wow was done he’d teach me and all I’d have to do is call him. I told him that I did play flute in band in school and he said if I could play that, I’d be able to play one of the native american flutes. So I’m very much looking forward to learning.
So now, here are some sites you can visit if you are interested in the history of the pow wow and the reason we have it. Also some other sites on the Dekota war and a movie on the Dekota 38 that were hanged. They tie into pow wow and that’s why I post this as well. The movie I have seen and it made me cry. These can go into many more details than I ever could so check them out if you are interested.
Here…
Here…
And here…
And the movie…
The movie about the Dekota 38
I don’t do a lot of educational entries but this one I felt needed to be posted. There are some things I’m very passionate about and this is one of them. I absolutely love the native american people. I think they are very wise and they know many things. I know what we, our people did to them and they weren’t so kind to us either but they were only trying to defend themselves and their lands. The treaties should have never been broken and there were many mistakes during those trials. There are times I’m ashamed to live in Minnesota because it’s a very racist state when it comes to the native americans and I don’t like it. I’m not saying we all are that way here in MN but history says that it’s a racist state and it needs to change. What happened happened so long ago and it’s time to forgive and let everyone heal from it. I don’t see why we all can’t get along and live as one, again just one of my dreams.
Anyway, if you get a chance to go to a pow wow, go! You will have fun and the food’s good too. 🙂
This is all from here for now. I hope you all have a great night.
Love to all, XO
Lily
Good afternoon readers, I hope you are all doing well.
Before I get into my update I just wanted to let you know that those of you following my
So last weekend was pride fest here where I live. Friday night they had something called queeriaoke, if you aren’t sure what that is, it’s karaoke with a twist or at least that’s how I best know how to describe it. The LGBT community comes together and sings karaoke. It’s tons of fun and we always do that to kick off pride. I unfortunately didn’t get to participate as I wasn’t feeling well and had a headache. I was sad but I figured there’s always next year.
Saturday I was ready to go! I was excited because I was asked to ride in the parade for pride. I said yes so when the morning rolled around I was ready. I had never gotten to ride in pride fest before so it was a new experience. I got to ride in a convertable which I had done before when I was in the seventh grade, I was over the moon. It’s the little things that make me happy, LOL! Anyway, along the parade route there was a protester holding up a sign that read “homo sex is sin.” Needless to say I was disgusted at this. I know, he has his oppinion too but it was in my oppinion not right. I do believe that we all have our own oppinions on things so I do feel a bit guilty for bashing him for his. He was yelling out things like, “This is an abomination!” and “You are going against God!” and “How dare you walk in a pride parade, in this kind of a sin!” So, a bunch of us in the parade and along the route just yelled out “Happy pride!” when we got beside him. After the parade we went to the park where the big event was to take place. That same guy with the sign entered the park and stood right in front of the stage where the drag queens were performing. Seeing this, two men got up and stood right under his sign and kissed and had their picture taken. We all cheered at this at this beautiful display, it was great! There were many booths there this year and we had less food venders there but there was still enough for people to choose from. There was a band there that was performing and the lead singer was the only woman in the band. She was aweful! She atempted to sing Bring Me To Life by Evanescence and she was just horrible! Even Amy Lee who I find to be terrible live did better than this woman was doing with it. That is a tough song to do, I’ll give you that and so I waited to see how she’d do with her next performance. Nope, not any better. In fact if it’s possible, the more she sang the worse she sounded. Next year I think I’ll try and convince the committee not to hire that band back again. My cats could have done a better job then she did. After things ended at the park there was a dance that night. Again, I did not attend as I had gotten sunburned that day and was feeling quite miserable. Vampires do not belong in the sun! All in all though the weekend was a success and fun was had by all. I can’t wait for the first meeting to start planning pride for 2017. I’m so happy I got involved with them, it’s awesome!
I’m going to join something called the rainbow support group, it’s for anyone who is Lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender. Basically anyone that is LGBTQ can come. They hold meetings once a month and they either just talk and hang out or they go out to eat. Either way it sounds like a lot of fun. I’m extremely excited about this.
Sunday the 11th was the 12th anniversary of Jim’s death. I still miss him so much, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about him. I wish he were still here but I know that it cannot be. I know that I’ll see him again some day. They say that time heals all but I still feel the pain of my loss to this day. I don’t cry on a daily basis anymore but the pain is still there. I normally write on the day of his passing but this year I was way exhausted and I just wanted the day to be over. I love and miss him more than anyone can know.
It was also the 15th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. To this day I still can’t believe that something of that magnitude happened. I can still remember exactly where i was when I first heard the news. I was in a state of disbelief. I was at Jim’s parents house and usually I listen to the radio or have the TV on when sleeping as i can’t stand the quiet at night. I woke up to hear that a plane had hit the first tower and I thought, oh kno! There was a plane crash. I tried to go bakc to sleep but something about that news report was bothering me so I got up and turned on the TV. I turned the TV on just in time to see the second plane hit the second tower. I knew then that we were under attack, it wasn’t normal for that to happen so I knew. Then we learn about the plane that hit the Pentagon and the one that crashed in the field in Pennsylvania. I was saddened and angered, I couldn’t believe this was happening. I remember being glued to the TV all day for any news about the attacks. So many lives lost in a sinceless act of terrorism. I never forget and I know you don’t either. Do you remember where you were “when the world stopped turning?”
Sorry, I know that this entry has taken a sort of sad turn, apologies.
Not much going on for this week. i have to meet with my job coach and my State Services for the Blind counselor today at about 3:15. It’s a meeting to see where things are and to see how the job hunting is going. It’s going nowhere. They signed me up for a fund raising job, I will not do it, I simply refuse. I know, I know it would be a job but i used to work in collections and to me it’s sort of the same. You have to deal with people being rude and I won’t do it. I had to deal with rude people in my last job but it’s a sort of different rude. I’m hoping I will find something soon.
Tomorrow begins my weekend of pow wow. That I can’t wait for, I’m so excited, I absolutely love pow wow! I love the music, the food, just the all around great atmosphere, it’s a chance to be in nature as well and I love nature. This also means no broadcasts this weekend. After this weekend though, things will get bakc to normal again.
The weather has been so nice, it’s been autumn like and I have loved it immensely, I look forward to next week when fall actually begins. I’m so over the summer and am ready to be finished with the heat and humidity. We are expecting thunderstorms today and tomorrow as well.
Well, I don’t really have much more to write about so I’ll end this for now. I’ll return again when I have something to write about.
You all take care. XO
Lily
http://www.applevis.com/blog/apple-braille-ios-news/what-s-new-ios-10-accessibility-blind-low-vision-and-deaf-blind-users
Good morning to all.
I’d just like to wish everyone a very happy labor day. No matter how you decide to celebrate I hope that you ahve lots of fun. Family and friends mean the world to me so I wish I were with them today but unfortunately this year it isn’t to be. they are all in my heart though and I will call to wish them a happy labor day in a while. If you decie to celebrate by drinking, don’t drive, do the watermellon crawl. Don’t drink and cane and don’t drink and dog. Those last two are for all my blind readers.
It’s very strange not to have the labor day telethon on TV. I can remember watching that every year, most times it was so sad seeing all those people with that horrible disease and they’d always do a little tribute to those who lost the fight with it that particular year. Sometimes it would make me burst into tears watching the children with it. I’d always wish that there were something I could do to help them all. They haven’t aired that in ages though it seems.For those who may not know what the telethon was, it was a telethon to raise money for muscular dystrophy research and in the hopes of finding a cure. They haven’t yet but I hope that one day they will.
So as predicted, I didn’t make it to the state fair this year. Oh well, there’s always next year. It would have been the perfect weekend for it though as the weather was beautiful.
Not so much today now, it’s humid and hot again, blah. I can’t wait until autumn, it’s one of my favorite seasons along with spring.
Well that’s it for now, not much else to say right now.
Take care everyone and have a great day. Blessed be. XO
Lily