10:43 PM 7/27/2014
When a person loses the one they love, they feel all kinds of things. Anger, sadness, guilt, helplessness, alone, lost and finally acceptance. I have probably missed some emotions but there the ones that are most prominent I think.
Due to the nature of this entry I will be leaving out all names to protect the privacy of the friend who I am writing about. Some of you who may read this know her but most will probably not. It’s only right though I believe to keep names out of it, at least some names. The woman I will be refering to, I’ll just call her Camille, the man in question I will call him Tommy.
Yesterday Camille had something very tragic happen in her life. I suppose I should start a bit from the beginning though.
Camille met Tommy and had started dating. They were together for about two years and seemed to all who knew them to be very happy. As time went by the relationship between the two became strained. Camille would confide to her friends that while she loved Tommy she was not in love with him and on a few occasions tried to end things with him but always ended up taking him back. Tommy loved Camille with all of his heart and we believe wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Camille was afraid to leave Tommy for good however because he had congestive heart failure and she was frightened that he could die at any time and she didn’t want him to be alone for that. One of the other reasons and perhaps the worst is that Tommy told her that he would take his own life as he did not want to and could not live without her. Please dont’ get me wrong, living with congestive heart failure has to be hell but to threaten to commit suicide just isn’t right. My guess is and i don’t know this for sure but it seems to me that Camille felt she had to stay with him no matter what because of the suicide talk. Well, this past week everything came crashing down for Camille. Now, just so you all know, Camille is a friend of mine and i knew Tommy as well. I didn’t know him well but I had met him a couple of times and something just didn’t seem right to me but I’m not one to judge and I was happy if Camille was happy and she seemed to be whenever Tommy was around. The few times I did see Tommy he was always nice so that was cool. When I said something didn’t seem right i meant right as in their relationship, not that I thought something wasnt’ right with Tommy. I just had to clarify that. Now I won’t go in to detail about what I know but I will say things got a bit heated between Camille and Tommy and things ended up to be not so great last week. They had a fight like all couples do and this time Camille had made the decision to break up with Tommy and this time make it permanent. Tommy gave her the same suicide threat and Camille took it as she always did, she never thought he was serious about it. She figured he never had done it before so why should she worry this time? Well, Camille did leave and she found out yesterday that this time he actually followed through with it. Tommy took his own life on Wednesday july 23 2014. Right now, Camille is feeling extremely guilty and feels that she is the cause of his death. We all are trying to get her to understand that it was not her fault and that there had to be other issues that no one knew about that caused him to do this. She also found out that at the time of his death he had been drinking and was pretty intoxicated. Tommy was not in his right mind, if he had been sober he never would have done something so permanent. That’s how Camille sees it but she is having a very hard time with this. We have all been trying to help her and give her as much support as we can. We all love and care about her and don’t want her to do anything stupid. All of us are pretty emotionally drained but we carry on to try and help Camille with this difficult time in her life. As soon as she gets over the guilt she can begin to grieve properly and she will understand this wasn’t her fault.
I understand exactly how Camille feels. When I was about 17, I dated this guy who was a very nice guy. He was sweet, caring, funny, smart and just an all around great person. The problem was I was beginning to feel that I wasn’t doing enough for him. I was feeling really overwhelmed and kind of smothered. I tried to talk to him on numerous occasions and asked him what exactly it was he wanted from me. I tried to tell him the way I was feeling and finally after about a year I ended things with him. A couple of days later, he was found in the bathroom on the floor with a bullet wound in his head and a gun laying right beside him. The sad thing about that was his sister was the one who found him and she was only 9 at the time. To this day, I hate guns. I know that it wasn’t the gun’s fault and that it was my ex boyfriend who decided to use the thing but I can’t stand guns. I digress again. I know the guilt, I felt the same way that Camille does. I felt that it was my fault and it was because of me that he died. It took me many months to get past the fact that it was not my fault. Once I got over that I was finally able to grieve and think things through rationally. I realized that he did have other things going on and that he had a lot bothering him. There were other underlying issues that I wasn’t even aware existed. Did i miss him afterwords? Yes, I missed him like crazy. I went through all of the what ifs and I should haves and if only i could haves, and Camille will too. In fact, she already is somewhat doing so.
My thoughts and prayers and all of the positive energies I can give are with Camille at this time of grief in her life. I pray that in time she can find happiness, peace and light in her time of darkness. There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel and one day I hope she will see it. I understand she can’t right now and that all seems hopeless but I know that she’s a strong person and she will get through this with the help of all of her friends. As i said, we all love and care about her.
As for Tommy, i hope that he finds peace in the afterlife. He’s now in the arms of the angels, may he find some comfort there. RIP my friend, you will be deeply missed.
Well it’s late and work is on my agenda for tomorrow so I suppose I’d better end this for now and go have some P B and J, otherwise known as pillows, blankets and jammies. So off to the land of pillows, blankets and dreams I go. The 6:00 alarm goes off rather early. Good night and sweet dreams to all. “May joy and peace surround you, contentment latch your door, and happiness be with you now and bless you evermore!” – Irish Blessing. Sláinte.
9:58 AM 7/28/2014
Here I am at work and I have a free moment so thought I’d try to finish this entry. Not sure if I’ll get to but we’ll see how far I get. I figured that if I wrote I wouldn’t be so inclined to fall asleep at my desk like I feel like I’d like to do. Whoa! Too many likes in that one sentence. Man am I tired! I’m just exhausted from the weekend. I feel totally drained. Maybe an early night tonight if I can manage it. It may be a matter of forcing myself to manage it. For a Monday though here at Land To Air, it’s kind of slow.
There are times I wish I could turn off my empathic senses. Everything that a person feels if I am aroundthem, I feel it like ten times more than what another person feels it. I know some of you may not understand that or may not even believe that is possible but it’s truth. It’s tough most times and on Saturday I did find myself havign to walk away for a bit just so I could get my own feelings in check. I really did not need Camille to see how bad I had gotten. Thing is, I don’t know how to turn them off. I think I need to do some research and see if anyone else has gone through or is going through this same issue. I know that there are other empaths out there, I don’t know of any where I’m from but I know that others exist. I’m wondering if they might have the same problem with not being able to turn off there senses as well and if not how they cope with it. I just can’t keep distancing myself or keep walking away from situation because I don’t know how to control my empathic senses, ugh. I know that walking away sometimes is a good thing because we all need to take care of ourselves as well as taking care of others. I do find though that meditation is a good way to deal with the after affects of having my emotions and feelings all over the place. I wonder if there have been books written about empathic senses and how to deal with them, I’ll have to look that up as well. Anything that might help I’ll appreciate finding.
On a much happier note, it would appear that my birthday this year is going to be a fun one! Normally I look at my birthday as just another day and I most likely will this year too but I have friends who have decided that I don’t get to spend the day I was born alone. Helene, Dusty, Cassi, Rene, Mary, Paul, Tami, Doug and possibly Flint and I are going to go to Dutler’s Bowling Alley not to bowl but to sing Karaoke, that and before hand I think we are going to go out for some dinner. Most of my friends going want to go mainly to hear me sing. There is even a chance that Jason, my boss will drop in. At least that’s what i last heard. It would be cool if Flint could have Megan there too but that is not to be unfortunately. I really wish Gina could come be here to join in the fun as well, that would totally rock! I’d have most of my family with me. LOL! Gina, Helene, Dusty, Cassi, Paul, and Flint are like my siblings. Rene is like my mother and Mary my grandmother. Then Tami, Doug and if Crystal, Chris and Jerry could be here I’d have my close friends. both Rene and Mary think this is funny but both accept it. LOL! I asked Rene one day if she could adopt me and she told me she would so adopt me if she could. So, she became my honorary mother and Mary my honorary grandmother. I can’t remember why I asked her that, like I don’t remember the full conversation. I thik it was when we were talking about her kids and how she let them experience life and even though they weren’t always so good like kids aren’t, i figured she was a pretty great mom. Anyway, we were all amused by it and now it’s sort of a running joke between Rene, Mary and myself.
There is someone special that I wish could be at my little birthday gathering as well, someone who I really like and I know likes me as well. That would make my birthday awesome! Ah well, one day we will meet in person, that will be a very awesome day indeed. I may give more details about this person in another entry, I don’t believe in hiding my feelings but I want to see how and where this is going to go before I give too many details. August 9 should be a fun night indeed.
I’m so exhausted, I almost feel as if I’m rambling just to stay awake. I feel as if I could sleep from now until Yule or possibly St. Patrick’s Day. LOL! Tonight I will try and meditate before sleeping and hopefully I can get some much needed rest. It’s pretty bad when I can’t even keep my eyes open here at work. Eep!
After work, Flint is going to come over and we are going to make turkey burgers. I tried to get him to eat a veggie burger but he wants nothing to do with them. He totally hates vegetables wich is pretty sad. I love my veggies. Yesterday while he was at my house I made a smoothie. This smoothie had Chabani greek yogurt, spinach, a banana, some strawberries, some orange juice and some chia seed. It was extremely tasty. Flitn thought it look so gross because the spinach turns it green. The thing is once you add the fruit and the juice you don’t even taste the spinach at all. They are just wonderful and good for you. I offered to make Flint one minus the spinach but he still wouldn’t take it because it was home made and not from a smoothie shop. Blah. Aye well, his loss. :D.
Today I will probably be working till 4:30, normally i’m off at 3:00 but Deborah is on vacation for two weeks so I won’t get to see her. Oh well, this just means I get an extra hour and a half pay, I’ll take it.
I can’t believe True Blood is ending after this season. I have bene watching it faithfully and I don’t really know what I think of this season. Honestly it’s a bit disappointing. Tara’s dead so that already makes it not the same. There are a few favorite characters of mine that are gone and it’s just weird. Eric, Bill and Sookie all have Hep V wich was created by Sarah Nuelund and a bunch of other scientists and it kills vampires. Sookie isn’t a vampire obviously but she still has it, that we found out last night. Sorry, I can’t spell Sarah’s last name, Nuelund or Newlund or whatever it’s supposed to be. LOL! I don’t like her either way. I’d so love to see Sookie and Eric get back together, they were so cute together. I think though that if Sookie were going to get back with anyone it would be Bill. He was her first love and she told Jason last night that you never forget your first so I have a feeling that would be who she’d choose. If it were up to me though…oh yes, eric, oh yes. You big bad vampire god you. :D. LOL! ok, I’m over it.
Well I truly have nothing more to write about so I’m going to end this and post it. Take care all who read this thing and I’ll write again soon, I think. Sláinte.
<3<3<3Mwah<3<3<3hugs<3<3<3
May your joys be as deep as the oceans, your troubles as light as its foam. And may you find sweet peace of mind, wherever you may roam.
Lily The Leprechaun