Born in 1928 on January first was the greatest man I ever knew.
If my father were still here today he’d be 91, but sadly on November 1 2007 his time here on earth came to an end.
The death of my father was devastating to me, he was the one who always understood me, comforted me when I was in pain emotionally, a huge supporter of my singing, (though there were times I thought he supported it because I was his daughter) and he always knew how to brighten my day when I was feeling down. I was there the night he passed away, I remember sitting with him and holding his hand for a while. I believe he knew I was there, he didn’t say much that day but he didn’t need to. I did not want to go to bed that night, I wanted to sit up with him because I didn’t want him to go. I knew that I couldn’t keep him alive but I just wanted to sit there. I said goodnight to him though and went off to bed but not before telling him I’d see him in the morning. I made a CD of myself singing for him but he unfortunately never got to hear it. I was supposed to play it for him the next day.
That night I was awakened by my mother and once I was alert all she said to me was “he’s gone.” I didn’t want to believe it, I wanted to scream that she was telling me a joke…but she wasn’t. I went downstairs to where his room was and just sat next to him willing him to not be dead. I couldn’t cry, I think I may have been in shock just a bit though I’m not sure why as we knew it was going to happen. I was not ready for this and I didn’t want to accept it.
That weekend on the way home I cried a lot, my mom and I went through the tissues. I kept trying to remember all of the good times but the memories just made me cry harder.
The loss of my father was tough and I still miss him terribly today.
Sometimes I wish I could call him and tell him about what I’m up to. I want to tell him of my engagement, how happy my fox makes me. I want to tell him about completing the beginning to small business accounting course. I even want to call him to tell him about the things that make me sad so that I can hear him tell me that things are going to be ok, that things are never as bad as they seem. I can hear him in my head but it’s not the same as being able to hear him in person. I want to sing with him again. I want to color pictures of princes and princesses with him again; he would tell such grate stories when coloring pictures. He’d always remind me that the world is full of many different colors and that I didn’t have to color things the way they were supposed to be colored. One of my fondest memories of him was from when we went on vacation in Missouri. It was a rainy day and I suppose my mood was courtesy of how gloomy it was outside. I was sitting at the kitchen table with my niece’s princess coloring book in front of me, I was going to color this picture of a princess and was getting frustrated because I wanted a peach crayon but couldn’t find one. I got so upset I wasn’t going to color it, my dad was hearing my whinging and he came and sat next to me. He began to tell me how I didn’t need to color her skin peach and he used a different color for it. He then colored her hair a strange color and at first I thought it was weird but as he spoke I began to think that maybe he was right and you know what? He was. He made up this story about how I was the princess and I was with this prince who stayed out all night. It somehow turned into how my brothers were protecting me from the prince and told me that if the prince ever hurt me my brothers would take care of him. I was always my dad’s princess, even when I was a complete and utter mess.
I have written about that story before but it was worth writing again.
I miss him so much, so very very much. It’s been twelve years and though I don’t’ cry much anymore it still hurts that he isn’t’ here. I know though that one day I will see him again. Until that day I will go on and keep seeing the world in many colors, I will go on singing and I will just live the best I can.
Happy belated father’s day to my father, the gratest man I have ever known. I love you daddy.
Love your princess,
Trinity Jade Phox