So the name battle is ongoing and I wish it weren’t.
Many people say the reason I keep changing my name is because i must be running from something or I’m hiding something, this isn’t true at all. If they would take the time to ask me and not assume I’d explain it to them. So, I’m going to explain a bit about why the name changes because I think I have finally figured out why. After reading I hope that it will give those some insight into why I do this.
Some of you know what my birth given name was but I won’t say what it was here because I truly do hate what it was and it has some rather bad memories attached to it.
I have had some not so nice things happen to me in my life and having a name attached to them is an absolute horrible thing for me. Now I know that you may be thinking that you aren’t the only one who has had a shite life and you would be correct in thinking that way but for me it is the best way I know to cope. Some things make me feel dirty and when I hear a name that I was previously called during those times makes me feel just awful. I know that it isn’t possible to legally get a new name everytime something bad happens to me but it makes me feel better if I’m not called a name that reminds me of bad times. This probably isn’t making much since to you all but it’s the best way for me to explain it without going into a ton of details that could cause me to have nightmares. None of us like bad dreams so for the sake of hopefully getting a good night’s sleep I will refrain from details.
I have gone to therapy about this and I know that I shouldn’t allow my past to define me but there are just some things that I can’t have undone, believe me if I could I would. All I ask for is a bit of acceptance from the people I call friends or family. If it weren’t for the fact that Emmerel came out I more than likely wouldnt’ have even bothered to write this entry. I’m so happy that Emmerel is in my life, if she weren’t I don’t know where I’d be. I can’t imagine a world without her in it now. It was she who gave me the courage to write this even though she doesn’t know it yet.
I legally changed my name to Lily back in 2013 but it was not my first choice for a name. The one whom I’m dearly close too as my brother more or less chose it for me. Had I been thinking back then I wouldn’t have allowed myself to become Lily Rose, actually the name I did choose was Eryn Sierra. He and i argued for a while over this because he said he couldn’t picture me as an Eryn so I discarded it. To end the arguement over it I ended up with the name he liked best, he wanted either Lily, Bella or Trinity. I for one didn’t wish to be called Bella for the rest of my life because it was associated with the Twilight series which I’m still quite fond of but it doesn’t mean I want to be called that until it is time for me to permanently depart. I more leaned towards Trinity because it’s a name I have loved for many years but it was decided that I’d go by Lily because he argued that I was using it online and people were calling me that both on and offline. I used Trinity online as well for a while I know but it’s a name that I still love. So more so to keep the peace I went with what he liked most and didn’t listen to my head like I should have. So now I’ve been Lily for the last almost 6 years now and I’m hating it with a passion. The name has become popular due to the Harry Potter series and I see nothing wrong with it but it’s not me anymore.
Now I go by Annika but it also does not fit me. I chose it for a really dumb reason, I heard it on Startrek Voyager and liked it so started using it even though it is not my legal name. Many of you have accepted that and I’m so grateful for it. Here’s where my battle is now…I have been thinking of changing my name to Farrah Shianne, or Trinity Jade. I love both names dearly and so it’s tough.
No matter which way I decide to go please try to respect it and not give me a hard time about it. I know there will be the jokes and I can handle that but if it’s out of spite then I can’t. I accept everyone for what they want and all I ask is for that in return.
I hate feeling uncomfortable with my name and I truly wish and hope that once I choose my name it will be for the final time. I understand that anything bad can happen at any time and I can’t keep changing it as I stated above but I just need this one final time.
Thanks to you all for reading and to those of you who didn’t judge I appreciate it more than you will ever know and understand.
Until next time take care of yourselves and each other.
The timid kitten
P.S. I do have a longer entry coming soon. I recorded it in voice a bit ago and it’s about what I’ve been up to till now.