Misery. At the moment, this is all I can feel. Knowing that I have hurt someone that I once cared about so deeply. I keep telling myself that this was not my fault but in some ways I can’t help but to believe that yes, it is indeed my fault. I keep going through the if onlies and if I had just let things go. I know that i couldn’t have given the state of my mental being right now.
I have been thinking very hard and carefully about my next course of action and knowing that it is going to lead me to more hurt, not only me but the other person involved just kills me inside. It is time i let Clint go. I do still love him but the love isn’t what it once was. I had hoped that we could have fixed things after I dealt with my issue but with things I have seen written on social media I now know that it is not to be. From what I have seen it is like he is admitting to no wrong, he isn’t taking responsibility for his own actions that lead us to this point. It saddens me actually. I do take responsibility for the part I have played so why can’t he do the same? I should have told him the day he asked me if there were things wrong and I did tell him no. My reasoning for this was I thought I had it all under control, that i could handle things on my own and I realized this wasn’t the case, but the lack of sleep and the thoughts that I couldn’t make go away finally caught up with me and I did tell him everything. He claims that I haven’t explained things to him, which I did but for whatever reason he is still saying he is confused. I’m not sure what else to do. In ways I wish things could go back to how they were when we first got together but they can’t, not anymore. If only I had told him that day he asked and if only he hadn’t written what he did on twitter and facebook…I can’t dwell on what could be and the if onlies, if he hadn’t broken my trust…ugh! I have to stop this! I wanted everything to stay the same… but feelings fade and people change.
Am I running? No, I don’t feel that I am, not really anyway. I think there will always be unanswered questions in my mind but i have to face them and deal with them.
The broken fairy,
Lily