For the past two days I’ve felt like total and utter crap.
Friday night I had to deal some truths to the person that I love. He does realize that he fucked up but it doesn’t make this any easier for me. I hate to hurt others, it makes me feel completely horrible. Does this fall under the “sometimes you’ve got to be cruel to be kind” catagory? I didn’t really want to do it but it was starting to feel weird. I know I threw a lot at him and it was a bit overwhelming, I thought I’d feel better after but I felt worse than I did before I spoke with him. Now I don’t even know what my status is with him because I suggested a break which he didn’t want but by a tweet I saw of his it appears as if we have broken up totally. I don’t know, why do things have to be so complicated?
I suppose I should really start at the beginning huh?
I started dating Clint on May 14 of this year, 2016. Things at first were so great. He was awesome and had a great since of humor. Things were going well and i was genuinely happy, then things started to change. He began to see his friends less and less in fear that I’d feele ignored if he were to hang with them. His temper was beginning to scare my friends and they began fearing that one day he’d turn his anger against me and that things could/would become violent. I never saw him as a violent person so that didn’t worry me really. I did worry that he’d end up with a stroke or heart attack one day due to him getting so angry over little things. It was to the point where if I were on skype or teamtalk with him, my friends would say they didn’t wish to join the calls. The third thing is way too personal and I’m not going into that one here. suffice it to say, it was bad enough to almost trigger my PTSD. I haven’t been able to let it go since that night. I am having to sleep with the lights on in my apartment at night, it’s not just one light but all the lights in the house. Any little noise i hear and I’m freaking out. My sleep at night has been horrible. Sometimes I’ll wake up and it will feel like someone is staring at me and it’s not one of the cats either. The thing is before that night happened I was already having flashbacks for some reason so that just made them worse. I am working on this with my therapist and she’s having me start from the beginning and remember and talk about everything from my past. I don’t want to remember, it’s too painful. I hate reliving what happened, my loss of innocence…I don’t want to do this. She says that it will or should in theory help me to move on again. Until then, I can’t be with him, not physically or in any other way either. Right now as I sit here writing this I’m feeling physically ill, I’m nauseous. I still love him but sometimes love isnt’ enough and right now this is one of those times. I am told that what he did was a violation of my person, they said I was partially raped, gods I hate that word. That’s not how I saw it, I’m not sure how I saw it but apparently it was bad enough to frighten me. I hate living in fear. I really do feel sick, I hate this. Why did you have to do what you did knowing what I was feeling and going through? I asked you during our conversation but you still didn’t give me a clear answer or an answer at all that I can remember. I trusted you! I fucking trusted you and you…why? Just why?
Maybe others are right, maybe i am too broken for a relationship.
And to the persons who did this too me when I was a child, you are all sick bastards! I was fine! I was fine till you popped bakc into my head, get out! Just get out! I want to be normal, I want to have a noral life. I dont’ want this depression and PTSD. God damnit! No means no! If a guy or girl says no, they mean no! Why must you continue to violate them?
I cant’ do this anymore, tears, the fucking tears, I hate crying!
These lyrics are not mine, they are the property of Ben Moody, Amy Lee, David Hodges, and William Gray. I just use them to describe how I feel at the current moment.
Tourniquet
BY: Evanescence
I tried to kill the pain
But only brought more
(So much more)
I lay dying
And I’m pouring, crimson regret, and betrayal
I’m dying
Praying
Bleeding
Screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?
My God! My tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God! My tourniquet
Return to me salvation
Do you remember me?
Lost for so long
Will you be on the other side?
Will you forget me?
I’m dying
Praying
Bleeding
Screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?
My God! My tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God! My tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God! My tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God! My tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cries, for deliverance
Will I be denied?
Christ! Tourniquet! My suicide
No, I don’t wish to die, I’m not suicidal for those who read that and think I may be.
That’s all for now.
The broken but still fighting,
Lily