Have you ever felt like no matter what you do you aren’t good enough? I have, and it’s not a good feeling.
I used to have a job, a job that I absolutely loved and needless to say that I no longer have this job. For about five and a half years I worked for a company called Land To Air. Land to Air was an airport shuttle service that shuttled passengers back and forth from Mankato to the Minneapolis/St. Paul international airport. The people were nice and the passengers were great. Last year that all changed when my old boss Jason decided to leave for better endeavors. Now I do not think illy of him for finding new work, in fact I’m very happy for him. When he left Donna took his place and things changed for the worst. I felt belittled and like I was useless because of her treatment of me. Before Donna took over Jason’s position she was just a driver and back then she was cool and fun to be around. She decided to quit her job at the school she was working for and became a full time fixture in the office which at the time I thought was awesome as she and I had always gotten along in the past. You know how they say absolute power corrupts absolutely or some such nonsense? Well, it certainly does, at least it did with her. No statement has ever been truer. So, due to the treatment of myself and others I decided to leave that job and search for other work. I haven’t found anything as of yet but believe me, I have tried. I have also found out since that corporate has been searching for a new general manager for Land to Air without Donna’s knowledge. They made it her job to get rid of all of us old employees so they could hire new people and now that she’s done that, they wish to get rid of her too. It’s kind of like, thanks for doing our dirty work, now we don’t need you anymore. It’s sad actually. When I first heard this, I was happy because I felt that it was poetic justice but now all I feel is sadness and anger on her behalf. She had no clue they were going to do this to her. I feel I shouldn’t care because of the way she was towards me, in ways I feel I should be glad and laugh and say she got what she deserved. I’m not that kind of person though, I can’t laugh at someone elses misfortune. Damned Conscience! Everytime I feel happy about it, I feel guilty for feeling happy about it and so I just can’t be happy she is losing her job. It’s not right. I am a strong believer in karma though. I digress…As I was saying, I have been trying to look for a new job with no success. I have a job coach who I don’t feel is helping me at all. I have to meet with him this morning actually and I don’t really feel I want to. Sometimes I don’t think I’ll ever find something new. I try not to get discouraged but it’s hard when after each job interview you get no call back. I feel useless at times and frustrated that all I’m good for anymore is to stay at home and take care of my two cats. Don’t get me wrong, I love my cats dearly but I need to work, I need to get out and do something. Sometimes I feel horrible after talking to a friend of mine because he basically says I’m not trying hard enough to find a new job. He says I should have stayed at Land to Air no matter my letting him know that I was going to be let go anyway and the treatment I was receiving was hurting me to the point of crying on an almost daily basis. It was triggering my depression and making things worse. If any of you have ever lived with or are living with depression and PTSD you will know what I’m talking about and why I felt the way I did. He says that I’m just like a typical blindy, sitting at home all day on my computer and playing muds. He seems to think that it’s all I wish to do with the rest of my life. His words, not mine. For his information, not all blind people choose to play muds. I am trying to find work, I can’t do anymore than I’m already doing. I can’t help it if companies I interview with don’t want to hire me, I just have to move on and apply at other places. Anyway, at the moment I feel really small. I feel this way after talking to this particular friend when we get into it about my lack of a job. I want a job, I want more money, I want to be able to do things and not worry about financials but at the moment it doesn’t seem to be in my cards. So yes, rightn ow I do feel like I’m not good enough and I’m useless. Not even my DJ stuff has taken off like I wanted it to, or my singing which there again I feel I’m not good at that either. Other’s seem to think so but I do not. They say you are your own worse critic. Ok? I suppose that’s true. I don’t know. I have self esteem issues and always have. I have a lack of self worth as well and I’m not sure how to fix this. I wasn’t feeling like this when I had a job. I felt I had a purpose. Like I said too, this is how I feel when I talk to this friend. He is supposed to be my best friend and at times I don’t feel he is acting like one. He doesn’t understand what it’s like and he never will because he’s never had to deal with the same issues as me. Anyway this gets into more things that I’m really too tired to get into at this moment. It’s like 5:03 AM here and I haven’t had enough sleep. In fact I’m going to go and try to catch a couple more hours or I’m never going to make it to see my job coach. Hopefully I can find a ride to go see him as I have no money for cabs. I have contacted a few people that I’m hoping will get back to me this morning.
Untill next time…XOXO.
Just a girl