I know it’s been a few months but I’m finally ready to post this. You do not have to read if you don’t want, I’d understand totally if you don’t. This particular entry has to do with my last ex. I can now post this without getting totally hacked off about things. I don’t care anymore about what he or his current girlfriend think or have to say. I’m tired of allowing him to haunt me with the things that he has said and done. As soon as I post this, I will close that chapter of my life.
WARNING: I share these things not to have them bite me in the arse later, but to see if I can’t make you all understand the relationship between myself and one Michael Stopka. I do realize that some of you may not like what I have to say and may not even believe the words I type, but it’s what I know going into this. I suggest that if you are just going to use this against me later that you stop reading now. The words I type are truth and I do apologize if this makes people mad. AT this point in my life I don’t, I can’t care. I also do realize that there are those who may use this to try and take legal action against me for slander or defacing of character but you won’t get a dime from me as I have no money to give. I also know that I will probably more than likely lose friends over this as well but that is not my problem. I have friends who know the truth and will stand by me and that, my friends is a true friend. There are those who may read this who I know already don’t like me and that’s ok too. I don’t expect anyone to like me, I won’t beg for friends or for people to understand. Either you will or you won’t.
Every day I fight a war against the mirror,
I can’t take the person starin’ back at me.
I’m a hazard to myself,
Don’t let me get me.
I’m my own worst enemy,
It’s bad when you annoy yourself.
So irritating,
Don’t want to be my friend no more.
I want to be somebody else. Lyrics by Pink.
This is how I was feeling the day I overheard some things I wasn’t supposed to hear. These words by Pink were never truer than they were on that day. I’ll get into what I heard in just a bit. That day I was made to feel things I hadn’t thought in a very long time.
AS most of you know, I suffer from and was diagnosed with depression. I was put on meds for it but didn’t like their side effects so took myself off of them without the consultation of my doctor or my psychologist. Along with this, my self-esteem suffers greatly. I have and have always had a very low opinion of myself. I don’t take compliments well at all and I have a hard time with insults as well. My natural defense is to go into sarcasm mode. I am not as strong as I’d like you to think. I have feelings, I hurt, I cry, I get angry, I get sad, I’m *not* superwoman, far from it actually.
This day, this is how I was made to feel.
Like a failure at everything I try to do in life.
Like I am ugly.
Like I am not a good friend.
Like I am hated.
Like I am a nobody.
Like I am nonexistent.
Most of all, like I want to disappear.
I felt like everyone’s lives would be better off if I weren’t around. For the past few days after that day I have felt as if I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. I get up, feed Ozzy, eat breakfast, go to work, come home, feed Ozzy, eat dinner, talk to very few friends online and then go to bed just to get up and do it all over again. That’s the short version of my day. It doesn’t take a lot of thought to go through a typical day in the life of Lily. Please allow me to start from the beginning.
I began dating Mike online in January of 2012. Things seemed good in the beginning of the relationship. In February he came for a visit and decided to stay here. Mike was nice, funny, loving, and just seemed genuine and true. Sure we had our fights and disagreements but what couple doesn’t? Somehow we were able to come through them. There were times he’d tell me during our fights that maybe he should just go back to New York because I’d be better off with out him. I asked him if that’s what he really wanted and he told me no, that he wanted to stay. I told him that the next time he said it I was going to make him go back because I in past relationships had enough of men telling me this and then following through. He promised that he’d not say it again. He said that he loved me and that we make a good couple because we can work through things. Basically he made it seem as if we were this perfect couple because we could get through fights and disagreements. He used to tell me all the time that I was pretty and he liked the way I looked. He used to tell me I was cute and that he thought I was the one and he even talked to me numerous times of marriage and how he wanted to propose to me. The one he considers his sister started calling me her sister-in-law. Now, for the record I don’t take issue with her accept for one thing, that’s coming up however. In March, I came into some money. AS to how much money, that’s not important, it was enough. We’ll just leave it at that. Because he and I were together, I bought him a computer because he didn’t really have a working one. He had a laptop but it was on its last leg and was going to die soon. He was genuinely appreciative for it which was cool. I bought an I pad for myself that I got very frustrated with and since Mike bugged me on a daily basis for it I finally gave in and told him to take it. So, now he has an almost $2000 computer and my I pad. I got him some computer speakers and we ended up trading and he got my Bos and I ended up with the speakers I originally got for him. I never once complained about this mind you, I loved him and I figured he was my boyfriend so why not. I took Mike and Flint both to the Mall Of America that weekend and we had a blast. I guess I can say things were great for a while.
As time went on, things started becoming a bit strained. We hardly spent time together because he’d do his thing and I’d do mine. Our computers were in separate rooms and so that put a strain on things as well. I was working all of the time and that upset him as well but I told him I work because we need the money. For Easter, I made him an Easter basket as I love to do things like that for the people I’m with. I took him out for his birthday in October. On black Friday in November, I took him and got him a WII because that’s what he wanted for Christmas. I tried to spend New Year’s Eve with him but he got sick, that wasn’t his fault at all, I’m not blaming him at all for that. We all happened to get sick on New Year’s Day. That was extremely miserable for all involved. When he got sick and needed medication, I spent $200 and Flint paid for the rest which was about $120. I had to overdraw my bank account to pay for them. I never once complained about this. He told his parents and they were going to pay us back but that has changed as well. That also is coming later.
In December we got an eviction notice from our landlord letting us know we had to be out of the apartment we were living in. The building had roaches and so they decided to blame the blind people living there even though the bugs were there before they were in our apartment. Ours was *not* the only apartment that had them but whatever. I decided to look for a place because the house we were moving into wouldn’t be ready within the time we had to leave. Flint’s parents offered to let us go there but I didn’t feel comfortable because his parents don’t like me. They do like or I should say did like Mike and so I thought it would make things easier for all involved. I told Mike I did not want to end things, that I wanted to still stay together and that he could come stay with me at times and I’d pay for him to get back and forth. I knew he didn’t have a lot of money so I offered because why? Because I loved him. He was not willing to compromise at all stating that he would not date someone he wasn’t living with. He said it made him have flashbacks of his life with his parents, that is to say his biological parents. I had been told on more than one occasion that I reminded him of his biological parents. That hurt as he told me what his life had been like with them. Does he honestly think he’s the only one who had a shite past? Mine was hell at times but I don’t dwell on it. Life has to go on, you can’t keep living in the past or your future is going to suck. Just sayin. If things are bothering him that badly still, he should really go and see someone. I also feel he’d benefit from anger management programs. He says he’s been through all of that stuff but it hasn’t helped. I decided to go out on my own anyway knowing that a breakup was probably more than likely unavoidable.
On January 29 2013, I moved out and a couple of days later we were no longer a couple. Admittedly, I was sad. I wanted to compromise, I wanted to make things work but everything I felt, everything I wanted to try and do was all for naught. Mike went from being sad to being extremely angry with me for abandoning him as he put it. I never abandoned him, I wanted it to work. I wanted things to be alright but they never would be again. We tried to be friends but not even that could happen.
Since then he has gotten a new girlfriend and I was very happy for him. I found out she doesn’t like me because she found some of my audio boos and didn’t like the fact that Mike was in some of them. Hello! He was in my house! We were together! Of course he’s going to be in some of them you twit! Duh? This begs me to ask the question, why in the bloody hell would you go looking for your current boyfriend’s ex’s stuff? To me, that reeks of drama. It tells me that you are just looking for a reason to stir up shite. I shouldn’t’ be calling her a twit but my anger’s starting to come out and I do apologize. Anyway, I wished them happy, I figured if he could find happiness that’s all I wanted for him. Honestly, now I could care less about his bloody happiness. God please forgive me but I don’t care. There was a time in which I did care about what happened to him. I felt bad that things couldn’t work but now, I’m glad they didn’t. The reason? I now know exactly what he thinks of me. I mean I shouldn’t really be surprised as he used to speak ill of Jodi and Chelsea. Now from what I understand he and Jodi are buddy buddy once again and that’s fine but it shows a little about how he is. I do realize the circumstances are a bit different as he does have a daughter with her and I’ve always believed that if it can happen both parents should get along for the child. That’s a whole other story that I won’t even get into though. That isn’t my place to do so and it’s not the reason for this long entry.
So, that’s a bit of our history. Things were ok, then not ok at all.
I referred to some things above that I had overheard that I was *not* supposed to hear. The convo went a little something like this. This is a conversation between Mike and Jenna, his new girlfriend.
Mike: You know hypothetically if you had an interest in Flint he wouldn’t date you.
Jenna: Oh, why not?
Mike: Because you are too skinny for him. Flint likes bigger women but not as big as Lily is.
Jenna: Is Lily really that big?
Mike: She’s a pretty big girl.
Jenna: Eeeewwwww!
Mike: I’d say something but it’s really mean.
Jenna: What, just say it.
Mike: Lily’s very very big. There’s no woman in the world as big as Lily, no woman could ever be as big as Lily is.
Jenna: That’s gross!
Mike: I know.
Jenna: I’m sorry you ever dated Lily.
Mike: I am too.
Jenna: Well look at it this way, at least you got some pretty good shit from her.
Mike, Yeah I did didn’t I?
Mike: You know I showed Lauren a pic of you and she said that you are a hell of a lot prettier than Lily ever was or could be.
Jenna: Giggles.
The day I overheard that, I cried for hours. I couldn’t believe what I had heard. Do you know what I did that night? That night I went to bed and prayed to God that I would go to sleep and not wake up. I didn’t want to wake up. I prayed to go home, I didn’t want to be here on earth anymore. I wished for death. I was ready to go home to Jim. I woke up the next morning obviously, I wasn’t sure why, I’m still not sure why but here I am. I’m too fecking cowardly to do it myself or I probably would have by now. Yes I do realize that life’s a precious gift but at times for me I feel it’s not worth all of this. I don’t feel that way anymore, and this is definitely a good thing. No, I won’t commit suicide, that’s a coward’s way out. Mike is definitely *not* worth taking my own life for.
I hate hearing him say my name now, it sounds so dirty and disgusting coming from his lips. I know Lauren has a friend with a daughter named Lily and he himself has a daughter named Lily but still, I wish he wouldn’t say it. The good thing is, I won’t have to hear him say the name Lily any longer.
You all already know about the twitter convo in which I asked him for the IPad back, you know how that ended. That didn’t end well for me, so I will not rehash that one. He did say that if it hadn’t gone public he would have considered giving the IPad bac to me. He’s so full of shite! He would not have because he wishes to give the IPad to Jenna because she apparently wants one. So if he had given it back to me, he would have had to tell Jenna that he couldn’t give it to her and this would *not* have pleased the little princess. Yes, there is sarcasm written all over that last statement. I’m sorry but anyone who tells someone who to be friends with and to not be friends with is a control freak, just sayin. Oh yes, I heard all about that one. She apparently is telling Mike who to talk and who to not talk to, and he’s accepting it! I have also heard that his parents never liked me, they were just pretending because they thought Mike was happy. I am also told that the reason I haven’t been paid back yet for his prescriptions I mentioned above is because they don’t think I deserve to get that money back.In their eyes, I’m a totally horrible person and so is Flint because he is friends with me. How sad that they think that way. I suppose I’ll just have to cut it as another loss. I spent so much on him and will never see anything back for all of the money I spent, for the credit cards I used or anything. I will be playing catch up on those for a while. I now know how Flint felt and how Adam felt with Angela. Debt city here I am, but I will conquer you.
I was told that one of the only reasons Mike stayed as long as he did was because of all of the money I spent. He said he’d have felt bad for leaving as soon as he had actually wanted to. I don’t believe he’d have felt bad at all. He obviously had his reasons for staying and I don’t know nor do I care anymore what his reasons were. I wish that I had never told him about the money I had gotten. I wish I’d have kept it quiet and only told Flint. At least Flint would not have taken advantage of me and he didn’t take advantage of me. He never asked for anything. I bought him a gift with part of the money I had gotten and he was very appreciative for it.
Speaking of money, Flint and Mike were apparently talking one day about parents and money. Mike informed Flint that he could not go against what his mother said because when she dies he’s supposed to get this large sum of money from her and if he didn’t do what she asked she could and would take him out of the will because she actually has no legal ties to him. So if this were to happen, he wouldn’t get that money, he’d lose it. Is that all he truly cares about? Is money the only thing he really cares about? I have no doubt that he cares for his mother but to have heard this, it just sickens me to my very core. Now, having said this, I don’t think ill of his mother, I have really no reason to. No she doesn’t like me and that’s ok, I don’t care and I really hope that she can be happy for the rest of her days. She never truly got to know the real me. She only believes what she has heard from people about my past and it’s whatever. I can’t blame her for feeling the way she does about me, she only has what she’s heard.
It’s also come to my attention that he was bragging about how Jenna was supposed to get this awesome job and that because of it she’d be making lots of money. Mike said he’d pretty much be able to do whatever because it was sooooo awesome to have a girlfriend that will have lots of money. Let’s see, how did he say it? OH yeah, It will be sooooooo nice to have a girlfriend with lots of money.
I’m was informed as well that Jenna, her parents, Mike and his parents wish to find a way to get me into all kinds of trouble. Apparently they wish to play the bipolar card and say that I was causing him mental stress. Really? If that’s how they wish to play, I can play the depression card and say the same. I can say that everything I’ve heard and have gone through is causing me to be suicidal. One of the only downfalls to that is I don’t wish to end up in a psych ward for that shite. At any rate about this getting me into trouble? I don’t see how as I have done nothing wrong. The only thing I can see is that they try and sue me for slander or something. As I have said they will get nothing as I have nothing to give. They Can’t get me into trouble with work because my boss know’s I’ve done nothing to be in trouble for. This whole thing is just childish. The thing is, no one wants to see that I was used and Mike basically admitted as much and I’m not as in the wrong as they think I am. Mike is not an angel or an innocent by any means. He is just as at fault in the ending of our relationship. In fact, I’d say more so because I was the one who wanted to try and work things out and compromise but he said there is no compromise at all. He wasn’t willing to even try. Now I know why. It was because he had these feelings for Jenna. He started flirting with her before we even were over. Again, this does not surprise me as he started talking to and flirting with Chelsea before he and Jodi were finished as well. So I was nothing more than a play thing for him, at least that’s how I feel.
He also told me that he was allergic to all condoms no matter what they were made of so he refused to wear them. Now because Jenna wants him to wear them he will because he loves her and cares about what she wants. What about what I wanted at the time? Oh yeah I forgot, I was just a play thing and someone that he could use to try and get over his feelings for Jenna. After all, the only reason he dated me was because he didn’t think he’d ever have the chance with Jenna. I just knew you wanted to know that little detail of our relationship. I am very ashamed of being with him. I should have never trusted him. If I had known what I know now, it never would have come to be.
I’m not remembering everything that I was told about things he said, the things I did remember are what stuck out in my mind the most I suppose. I’m pretty sure I’ll remember more after I have posted this entry.
You know how I used to say that my first ex was my biggest regret because of the way he treated me? Or actually no you probably don’t. Well the point is, Mike is my biggist regret. I can honestly say, I’m glad he is gone and that I wish I had never gotten with him. That’s a whole year and some od days of my life I will never get back. I have learned some pretty big lessons as well.
When meeting someone from the internet, be very careful when they come visit. Observe their behaviors, watch everything they do in reguards to your relationship. If something happens to make you the least bit uncomfortable, send them packing. Don’t let them stay. More importantly, observe when speaking to them online. Never let your guard down for a second. People can act one way online and be totally different offline. Find out all that you can about the person. If you suspect anything at all, follow your instincts. As they are usually correct. If you have any doubts at all, do not allow them into your home. Don’t allow them to worm there way into your heart. Keep your heart guarded until you know it’s ok to let it down.
On the other side of the coin, there are some good and true persons online, you just have to decide who the true ones are.
I am totally exhausted emotionally after reading and rereading this entry. Writing it has made me feel a bit better as it has allowed me to express some of what I was feeling. I know it’s been a couple of months now but I still get angry over everything. Flint, SSB, (State Services For The Blind) that is and myself were all taken for a ride and it wasn’t a fun one either. He stole from Flint after I left. He stole his pop and food because he refused most times to go grocery shopping for himself. I’m sorry for Flint, I’m sorry that I ever allowed him here. I’m totally over Mike now. I’ve got absolutely nothing more to say to him. I have blocked all communications for him and have even changed my cell phone and home numbers so he can’t contact me that way either. Yes I’m angry like I said but it isn’t because I have feelings for him still, because I don’t. I just hate when my friends are taken advantage of.
If I still have friends left, thank you for reading. If I don’t have friends left after you have read this then I apologize that you couldn’t understand things. I’m really and truly sorry.
I’ll end this entry now as I have nothing more to say. I’m glad it’s over though.
If you are going to flame me for what I have written don’t even bother leaving comments. To those who understand, hugs to you all. Thanks for understanding and being there for me.
XOXOXO Always XOXOXOXO
Lily